September 24, 2006
by: jovial_cynic
I've been going through the first section of my journal, which covers the summer before my sophmore of highschool... written 14 years ago. As stated in an earlier post, I'm entering every one of my journal entries into a database so I can easily search through things I've written, and see if there any patterns to emotional events with particular dates.

Anyhow, the more I read the stuff I wrote when I was 14, the more I realize what a strange kid I was. Strange... as in absolutely nuts.

Check out this post:

I was once a firm believer in what is now called "pure fantasy." Stuff like dragons, pixies, and even ogres. I'm starting to think that these "imaginary" things do actually exist, only age and time have made us forget. Imagination can't be fake, because there are too many people who have it. I met an old man today who, now kind of reminds me of Fizban [A.K.A - the god Paladine; see DragonLance Saga, Chronicles 1-3], only this man wasn't near as befuddled.

The only thing I fear now is the passing of time, because as time goes by, memories are lost. The memories I have lost are probably the ones that will probably save mankind. Saving, meaning that the world will be as I see it, not how it is.

This sort of leads to another thing I used to believe in, but have lost: True love.

I'm thinking that I once had it, but I lost it, because time went by, and I just couldn't keep up. I believe this because if there was no love, I wouldn't be searching for it so hard. You don't know how much I want this, it is so lonely being an only child. [Lonly child, rather!]

I can't give up searching, because of that old man, who seems so nice, but so mysterious. Its hard to explain, but somehow, he convinced me that I can't give up. I just have to keep searching. I also feel that I have been chosen to do this searching, and I will find it. Call it fate that he saw me when I decided not to watch the movie [Sleepless in Seattle], call it whatever you want, but it happened. Something happened, and I'm going to find out.

My quest begins now... my life has just begun...

Is this evidence of an overactive imagination, or should I have been medicated as a kid?! haha... crazy.

Going through these old entries has been insightful, though. In my first entry, I describe myself as having "extreem mood swings" (yes, I didn't know how to spell extreme when I was 14), and in one case, started a journal entry with "Death, anger, frustration..." over some girl that I liked that kept talking to some other guy. That was very unexpected, because I'm often described as being unemotional these days. My guess is that I'm supposed to exist somewhere in the middle of the two extremes I've experienced in life.

So far, this project has stirred up quite a bit of emotions in me... and I'm trying to figure out if I'm tapping into some dormant emotional reserves that have been bottled up, or if I'm just reliving my past emotions, feeling empathy for a 14-year old boy who's world was nothing but turmoil and confusion... not unlike other 14-year old kids.

I'm not sure. Hopefully, this adventure of traveling through my journal will help answer this question.
np category: personal


wonder said:
"Is this evidence of an overactive imagination, or should I have been medicated as a kid?! haha... crazy"

umm... I'm actually relieved to know there are other functioning human beings out there who thought like that at that age... at 13, i had half convinced myself that i was the all-powerful ruler of an invisible empire (yes, i was also a "lonely" kid though not an only, but the middle of 3, and entertained fantasies of having a twin "out there" somewhere well past childhood)

thought 1: everybody is crazy at 14... can't help it, it's the hormones!

Thought 2: isn't it telling how hope(saving the world) so immediately must do battle with despair (things one "used to believe in" like true love)

Thought 3: maybe "crazy" is closer to reality than we think

September 27, 2006

jovial_cynic said:
Interestingly, you're not the only person to mention that you had "save-the-world" dilusions when you were around the same age. Strange. I wonder how many kids go through that? And yeah -- it's always tied into "true love."
September 27, 2006

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