April 28, 2006
by: jovial_cynic
I've spent some time trying to figure out what goes on in my head. I think I am going insane... to an extent. And not in the cliche "everybody-is-a-little-insane" kind of way, either. I mean... I sometimes think that there's something actually broken.

As human beings, we connect the dots between related items and events, and we create a framework of thoughts and understanding that way. We communicate with one another based on the lines we've created between things... and for the most part, people tend to speak the same language about it all. People tend make the same types of connections, and that's how communication happens.

I think I tend to make connections between unrelated things. Most of it is benign - I've made connections, for instance, between the time it took to make a decision about what color shirt I'll wear for the day and the timing of an accident I witnessed while on my way to work. Intellectually, I understand that it's meaningless... there is no connection. But something inside of me can't ignore it. And I do it all day long. Every day. About everything. If you've seen the movie "A Beautiful Mind," you might understand what I'm talking about. It's not as extreme as it is in that movie... but it's similar. And there are times when I really get lost inside the world of imaginary connections... and it's terrifying.

The last time I visited my dad, I saw a bunch of articles clipped from magazines and newspapers... and when I talked to him, he said some things that I just blew off as being conspiracy theory nonsense. Now that I've started to see my own mind making false connections, it makes me wonder if he's making those false connections as well... and that I'm genetically wired to have the same beautiful mind.

I wonder what drugs are available for this kind of thing. The only problem, I think, is that I kind of enjoy making the connections. I'm afraid that if I take some drug that turns that off in my head, I'm going to feel like I'm missing something.
np category: philosophy


felipe said:
i read your post and i can relate exactly to what you are saying, im going through the same thing and it drives me insane. I keep making connections but they go nowhere and having a hard time with decisions. i am also not "feeling" anything.

can you tell me, have you gotten past this and is so what did you do or didnt do? does the phrase catch-22 ring any bells to you in relation to the aforementioned?

February 22, 2007

felipe said:
hi again, i just noticed you are also a programmer. do you think being a programmer has anything to do with the fact that you are always making unrelated connections and that perhaps the profession could be causing you this stress? I told my mother a while back that programming was making me crazy, perhaps it is... Your thoughts?
February 22, 2007

jovial_cynic said:
Hey felipe - I've actually written a few follow-up posts on the subject that might explain myself a little more:

1. Solipsism
2. Grinding Fractal Gears

The second post answers the programming question, I believe. It's not necessarily that programming causes craziness, but rather programming (and the ability to think in data trees) is a manifestation of that craziness. It appears that it's really about thinking on two different planes, and they're not compatible. The difficulty is when you start crossing content from one plane into another - you get results that make no sense at all... but they seem right at the time.

February 22, 2007

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